The Truth

I have contemplated a lot since the past few years that, should I actually come out publicly about it. It may hurt someone else's feelings or you may feel that I am a weakling. Just figured it out that all if it doesn't matter and what matters is the fact that at the end of this ..maybe there is the slightest chance that maybe I could help someone out.

So, here is my version of my story so far.

8 years ago I tried to commit suicide. I didn't consider the consequences because I didn't care or think about anyone else other than me. The emotional, mental stress and pain were unbearable, so one fine day I decided to be selfish enough to do it. It involved a lot of blood and a few stitches. One thing i realized..never die in pain ..it should be peaceful you know. So when I saw the blood and it started paining like hell ...i realized that probably ye nhi karna chiaye tha. By God's grace, I have always had someone who always knew what i am going through. And that someone told me to face the devil in me which is forcing me to quit life. I didn't believe him..it was me against the whole world. All of it felt like a burden and i was like " why the hell should i bear all of this pain ..i don't want to deal with it anymore. It will all end with me". I was 13 then. I didn't have the maturity enough to understand the consequences, to understand the fact that there is still hope and help out there. My world just consisted of me. A selfish prick indeed. A few days later i told one of my friends about the attempt and she cried a lot stating the fact that i am a bitch who doesn't care about anyone else. That moment i realized that my life is interconnected to a few important humans i care about and probably they would have been devastated. I convinced myself that my pain would go away and i should not ruin my friends' life.  I couldn't figure out how could a 13-15 yr old move on in his/her life if I decide to end mine. 

So for the next 2 years, i decided to push all my friends away. I wanted them to hate me so that they don't get hurt when i die. I pushed away the people who loved me. This speaks about my maturity, right?  I tried ..again and again, and again ...to make it painless and in this post whenever i say that i am not scared to die, i am scared as fuck because i don't know what happens next. 

I felt that everybody has a perfect life, perfect family and i was the only cursed one. 

[Fuck... I was too godamn immature]. Guess what, my dumb plan didn't pan out because my friends are much more mature and stronger than me. As much i wanted to push them away, they came closer to me, that's exactly the point where i realized what LOVE is. When you love someone you would just give away urself, your emotions, priorities and everything for him/her. I had nothing to lose other than self-esteem. So i trusted some people with all my heart and that didn't end well. And that's exactly when i lost trust over anything. I stopped trusting the people who cared and who still do. One or two people's mistakes were affecting me to such an extent that I was back to square one, back to those "Kaise painless karneka thoughts" . 

Then came 10th ka result and I scored actually good. One of my dear friends gave me another hope, to study, work hard get a job, get settled and to prove to the people who have given me pain and mental torture that I can be strong and successful and I can survive through all of it. All I wanted to do was to adopt a child in the future and show my parents the actual legit way to raise a child. But that's not how the world works, right? 

If I am ever hurt, I just wanted to end my life and that thought kept bugging me all the time. I wanted it to go away, someway somehow it needed to end. I needed help, a professional one. Since you are under 18 you don't get to do "adult stuff" like drinking, driving or even taking a doc's appointment without a guardian. Things have gotten worse by now and I am stress eating.

There is a lot of pressure on me to be like my brother so that I'll be settled for life. The only problem is that he is very different than me although being from the same womb. They just couldn't understand that and at the end of the day, you have to listen to your parents because they have given birth to you and are providing for you. 

11th standard passed by and I had multiple instances of fainting in my school by now. It's embarrassing you know. I couldn't control it. Now we look into the phase of my life wherein at the end I am diagnosed with primary generalized epilepsy. 

I started getting headaches and to control it, I found only one solution Crocin aka Paracetamol. Got addicted to it, majorly addicted and still, I couldn't stop what was meant to happen right?  I got hospitalized again, but this time for dehydration and blood poisoning.   One fine day i felt really dizzy, my friends took me home and told my parents about my addiction. After that day, all the crocin in my room was thrown away. But secretly I was still consuming it with less dosage.

I was not at all sure about what i am gonna score in the 12th. What i knew is the fact that i will be satisfied with it. My parents wanted me to leave Mumbai and goto Kerala to study engineering. My whole life i have been here, how could i leave it all behind. Through all of this, there were multiple moments when i reached my terrace, peeked down, couldn't face it and i came back.   

I agree that i am weak. Just dont have the guts, you know. The mental pressure and torture are too much to deal with. " You are a disgrace" "You are worthless " " You are not an ideal daughter " ...yeah i heard all of it and much more. Sometimes it didnt bothered me but sometimes it did and i used to cry it out. My friends couldnt see me in that pain, they wanted to help but they were clueless what to do. I didnt want them to get involved in all of this. How much ever i wanted to push people away from me ..i was surrounded by more and more good souls and eventually to not hurt them i started to hide my feelings and emotions behind my smile. Trust me when i say this, i have gotten really really good at it. 

I got into a good college, made new friends, good people and now all i wanted was to forget about it and move on. A fresh start. Hahaha ..that only happens in movies.  Now my past hit me hard. Bro, it was shit. Suicidal thoughts still tingling around and years have passed by and i still didnt get any professional help. I could have reached out to influential people but i didnt. I feared the fact that my family's reputation is on the line.  My brother got placed into a good company and for the 6 years we were away, i couldn't connect with him much. I loved him a lot but there was no trust. Lord ..i have a lot of trust issues.  Can't blame him, all he did was to chase his dreams. 

All this time i had many best friends, many stayed and many left but i never trusted anyone because i was insecure about my issues. I was scared and worried that the world would judge me . As a matter of fact, i still am. It takes a heck load of courage to put it all out and i am ready for it . 

In engineering, you will meet 100s of different kinds of people. Some of them use you, some you can trust, some break your trust, some hurt you, some are just assholes and some are just the best thing that could have ever happened to you. I have met them all. I am 18 now and met up with a psychiatrist. She told me " this is life ..you can't change anyone. You just have to move on ". It didnt help me . Because i felt i didnt deserve it. I have always been a near-perfect child. Never did something wrong like the other kids coz i didnt want to hurt my dad. He means the world to me . 

I am trying my best to let it all out there but i cant. I can't name the people. I dont want them to get hurt or offended. How much ever you hate me, you hate my existence and you want to kill me, I just want to let you know that you will always have a place in my heart and mind. Karma is what i believe in. 

It's never easy to let go of anything. Your pain won't go away unless you want it to. At this point, i am so habituated with all of it, that it doesn't even matter anymore. You can break me and i am still gonna be the same human with the same retarded soul. I have nightmares of me killing myself because that's the only thing i dream about ..ki what does it feel like. " Everything ends with me". I tried to find different ways, tried to run away and i dont have any hope left. While all of this happened i have met some beautiful and amazing human beings.  It hurts me to imagine myself being away from them forever. So i decided the best way would be to OD and give myself some pain because, in the end, a heck load of people are going to get hurt. I hugged all my best friends and told them that they are truly the best possible thing that could have ever happened to me . They sensed it. I tried not to cry ..but alas i did. And my plan was a flop.  I tried fan ..and hanging and all, but come on ..no one's gonna come to my house then ..it would probably be known as the haunted one, so that's a NO-NO. 

I am pretty sure that if you are reading this you wanna slap me right now. I know and i second that. 

Fast Forward to the 3rd year of engineering, a lot of things have happened by now and i hope that someday i will find the courage to call them out, but i know i won't, EVER. 

August 30, 2018, i had a seizure for the first time in my life. That actually felt like death and i didnt wanna die . It took me time to adjust to the fact that i didnt wanna die beacuse all my life i ever wanted was to end it. end this disgusting useless life. I didnt wanna die because i had a lot to lose. I have people whom i genuinely love from the bottom of my heart and i wanted to be with them. It felt weird not to want to die . I got hospitalized for a couple of days and in the end, the diagnosis said Epilepsy. A part of me was sad and a part was happy that ..okay i will have an early death but sadly if you have epilepsy you dont die easily. Baby... it's going to be fucking painful. That's when i realized that it may be my karma. The pain and an insane amount of problems that my friends have faced to deal with me . God, i deserve this.  Why should i hide?  Shouldn't i be out there helping someone? 

My story sounds and seems to be very very depressing but it has a good ending.

This post is all over the world, i bet half of it i have written out of rage but now i dont wanna back out. I want to face it and tell you that there is plenty of help out there for you. You have to trust people. At some point in time, someone is going to break your trust and heart and you are probably not going to let anyone else in. You have lost all your hope, you want to give up desperately. Love is overrated. Dont believe that someone is going to stay by you forever. People change and you have to cope up with it.  To every other person reading this, you are strong. Everyone has problems but in different kinds. You are not alone. I have emotionally connected to some of you and you guys are blessed souls. Get help when you need it. I didnt get it. I didnt strive for it much ..coz i always wanted to give up. I was weak but you shouldn't be. Do not lose hope.   Everything happens for a reason. I was meant to go through all of this. The 13 yr old me never knew that i would celebrate my 21st birthday. But i did. And with almost pride i want to say that i am blessed with the most amazing friends ever, one could imagine off. Whatever the pain i have been through i think it is all worth it. I get to be with the people who love me soo much. I still get those suicidal thoughts, it never goes away. It just doesn't and i dont know why. But every time it happens i imagine the face of my friends. Those idiots are probably going to ruin their lives if i die . Set your priorities straight and dont change it for someone who isn't worth it. Distract yourselves, at least try to do it by engaging into kinds of stuff you love the most .

No matter what life throws at you, stay strong, be with the people who love you and help others out. Life was never meant to be easy. Agar easy Hota to maza kya aataa? Heartbreak, love, hate, it's all gonna come up ..just dont lose trust over urself. 

I am a messed up case ..all the hospital visits and life has made me immune to pain now. Dont even feel it anymore. The only motive i have from this post is to let you know that you are not alone. Suicide is never a solution. At that moment you feel the weight of the rest of the world on your head. It's your life. Only you have the rights over it. If you decide to end it ..then that's it, that's the end to all your pain and sorrow. But those who love you still have to move on. Who is gonna be there to give them hope? Be the best example you can be. You are meant to do wonders. The pain will be unbearable, you will cry a lot. You will be alone. But you still can reach out for help and fight the devil in you. You can beat it ..trust me you can.  I wouldn't have survived without my friends, so shoutout to all of you. Dont ever try to push them away, if they love you they will always be there.

"Suicide doesn’t end the chances of life getting worse, it eliminates the possibility of it ever getting any better. "

"Because if you kill yourself, you're also going to kill the people who love you. "

"The person who completes suicide dies once. Those left behind die a thousand deaths, trying to relive those terrible moments and understand … Why? "

There will always be lessons in life. Just try to move on slowly you dont need to rush it. Any decision taken in rage would lead to a lot of other interconnected problems. So take a deep breath and calm down. You deserve every bit of happiness and support in the world. You are amazing!

" Hold on, there is always a way out " 

I have not mentioned about the people who have given me pain ..i just want to thank you. Thank you. You have made me much stronger than i have ever been. And i am grateful for my parents for giving me the best life. Please dont feel pity, that is not what this is about. Please reach out to your friends and family. If anyone needs help, help them out, save a life . Give hope. I will be the happiest if i am even able to help and change even 1 person's life.

Only you can save yourself. No one else can.  

There are a few special among y' all and i just wanna say that i love you and you know that! 

Here is your retarded, dumbass friend signing off! 

PS: Ignore my grammar and kind of lame English.