Grief.

This is a part of my life that none of my friends or family members know about. The same reason why I am so reluctant to put it out here. I have literally never been more skeptical ever about anything. 

2013, 10th std one of the most important years in school life. It was the first time I was ever attending tuition classes and was trying to get adjusted to it. One fine day at 5.30 in the evening, mom got a call from my cousin brother Abhi. He is two yrs older than me, my maternal cousin who lives in our hometown. He was asking my mom about gift suggestions for his little brother. Mom handed over the phone to me, I rejected it as I was running late to meet tuition friends for some chit chats before class. By 7 pm some of my mom’s friends came over to the class and took me home. I asked them what had happened and they didn't say anything. I came home to a hell load of people at my house and I feared the worst. Even when dad told me that Abhi is no more, it just didn’t sink in. 

My life’s biggest regret is not talking to him that one last time. The most brilliant kid in his school, most loving, caring with a beautiful heart. I cursed God and I begged him again and again to take my life rather than my brother’s. I just knew that he was more deserving than me to live in this world. I was helpless and couldn’t think about the trauma that the whole family is going through. The 15yr old me wasn’t mature enough to deal with such a situation. He was just a 17 yr old kid who didn’t deserve it. He was not ill and there is no way that anyone could have expected it. All through the next 12 hrs, it took for us to reach Kerala, I prayed to God to take my life. 

I am still not over it and I have never talked about it to anyone in my life. I am maybe still living in that guilt that I am living a borrowed life. It should have been me and not him. This is the first mistake, to not talk about your grief. I didnt not share it with anyone what i was feeling because i thought that the world is a bad place that stole away one of the most precious things from me. 

Through this blog, if you are searching for ways or methods to overcome grief, there are none. There is no predefined or proven way to get over something in life. Anger, frustration, loneliness, and guilt are all a part of the grieving process.

This process has two main stages Denial and Acceptance. You start by being in complete denial of what has happened to you. It takes a lot of mental strength and courage to work through this phase. There was so much pressure of 10th std board exams on my mind that therapy wasn’t an option I could choose. I googled everything about how to get over it and nothing helped. A part of denial is also the fact that you try to completely ignore what happened. For me, it was attending school regularly and trying to concentrate and ignore everything. Hey ! it didn’t help either. All that I could think about, was him. Crying my eyes out every night to sleep, thinking that this pain would go away, but it doesn't. You are in this bubble of loneliness, emptiness, pain, and anger. Those horrible suicidal thoughts. It is all a part of it.  One of the mistakes I made was to not let out that pain. I was so confided in that bubble that I didn’t want to get out of it. Make sure to just talk to someone you trust and tell that one person, everything that you feel. Your heart and mind would feel soo much lighter after it. Before taking any step, remember that there are people who support and care for you.

Let me remind you that there is no easy or quick way to get over it. It differs from person to person and the way they handle it. And it is perfectly fine to take your own time to process everything. 

Depression is one major factor of denial that some people go through and please seek out for help if you ever feel you are going through this. You don’t have to fight this alone at all. Always remember to count your blessings. 

You get this feeling like its okay and better to give up rather than being in soo much pain. I felt it too. The only reason to hold on a little bit more was for those happy faces of friends and family that would swift through my mind.  

I achieved the stage of acceptance when I decided that I want to make my brother proud. Looking at the thousands of people at his funeral, i knew that he was loved and he will always be remembered. When we were younger, one day I got bit by a big black ant and I started crying. He came over to me and said “ I will never let anything hurt you “ and stamped on all the ants there. I was the only little cousin sister he had. He isn’t here right now to see how much I miss him but these memories will never go away, they are mine. The time when we used to go fishing and camping and the time he used to ask me what living in Bombay feels like. These memories kept me going. 

Even though it’s a void inside me which can't be filled, I am always grateful that I have known you for 13 years of my life and those memories are only mine which no one can take away. 

All through your grieving process, never try to rush things. It is not going to be easy but it is also not impossible. A part of acceptance is also to be always thankful for what you have and about everything around you. It may sound vague and offensive maybe, but do count your blessings, even if it is a tiny one.

As time goes by, the pain will fade away and your heart will be at much more ease. You have to give it your time and not give up. If you love and care for the person you lost, don’t give up. Keep your loved ones more closer to you, they will always be your strength.  

Seven years ...flew by so quickly.  

 The next time I meet you, we are going to talk all about what Bombay looks like. I think today I can say that I have moved on and you are still a part of me. 

Thank you and sorry to all my friends who have been there for me but never knew about this. I am getting ready for all the scolding and gaaliyan .

Disclaimer: This is just my POV of how I dealt with such a difficult time in life. It will differ from person to person based on their situation and way of dealing with it. If you feel that this won't help you, its never too late to seek out for help.